"you're like a poem..."

"There are poets and there are poems. You're like a poem, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's better to be the poem, to be the experiences poets write about... I'm in awe of how deeply you are able to love, but I know that causes you to hurt deeply, too. But please, don't let it shut you down... What you have is a gift. Be proud because not many people are capable of it... "

(this, from someone near and dear to me.)

confessions + observations + random thoughts

- I'm going to miss the days performing "percussive maintenance" at work–the act of banging an object against something until it starts to work

- I’m constantly torn between the ‘be kind to everyone, they're fighting their own battles’ and the ‘fuck everyone you owe them nothing’ feeling/mentality

- In Germany, there's Activia for cats called Cativia

- I've spent an unhealthy amount of time browsing reddit

- my 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, anger, bargaining, hunger, acceptance, hangry

- I could never be a non-conformist unless all my friends were

- how many calories does doing kegels use up?

- which baggage should I bring with me on my next date?

- if I'm wearing the same outfit I wore yesterday and nobody saw me in them, did it really happen?

- I would like to put a cease and desist on the use of the terms "amazeballs" and "adorkable" 5 years ago.

practice, practice, practice

I was surprised the other day when I walked into yoga and my favorite teacher was there, sitting on a stool and said to me, "Mae, how long have you been doing yoga? I was going to tell you last night before you left that you have gotten so strong." She has told me this a few times during class and thought it was just shallow motivation, but it's never meant so much to me until she told me personally, that very moment. I then thanked her for so much that I've learned in the 50+ days I've been attending through her guidance and motivation. It felt great to have mutual gratitude for one another.

Still, to this day, I'm surprised of all the things I've been able to do and all of the things I've learned about myself. I remember seeing students do these awkward and crazy poses in class and think, "Holy shit, that looks scary and I don't think I'm capable of that." So you try and it doesn't happen. It doesn't feel right. You let yourself rest for a couple of days, try again and all of a sudden, there you are. When you let go of the "I can't," you'd be surprised. It was all in my mind. It makes me think back to all the times I said "I can't," and think "Could I have?" As I've said before, when you allow the mind to be open and strong, it will happen. Being physically able to accomplish the poses are a huge factor, but your body will not if your mind does not. When you find that balance and your body is saying, "Yes, this feels right," then you know you all of you is in sync. It's taken a lot of patience and plenty, plenty of practice. Plenty. Of. Practice. And it's all been worth it.

Note: I know I've been talking about yoga a lot lately. It's just really exciting to me to have these accidental discoveries about myself. None of it is a coincidence, though, as I'm sure it's also probably been trying to find me.

Be prepared for the next post because it will be about my favorite feminine products.

bikram broke my groin

shortly after I'd wondered why I had the constant need to "open up my hips" (in terms of yoga), a couple of students and the teacher, out of nowhere, said that's where a lot of our emotional baggage is stored. I never asked, said a word or mentioned it, but it was like they read my mind! I also googled it and it's true, true because I felt a difference even before knowing why. there was even a day where I felt so light that nothing mattered, like I was floating. man, it was bliss.

speaking of yoga, My 30-day Bikram challenge isn't going so well. it's become more like "every-other-day Bikram challenge." I mean, Bikram is good. I like Bikram. I LOVE to sweat. I get used to the heat, and the smell isn't really bad unless you're taking a class right after another. I like seeing how far I could go but also being conscious of my "edge." and this is where my problem with Bikram is. I don't know if other people have experienced the same thing, and this is just my logic speaking which is already pretty questionable anyway, but when you're in a 105 degree room and your muscles are loose, is it possible to take yourself over your edge without realizing it because of how loose your muscles are? am I crazy? I woke up one morning after a great night with Bikram and I had pain in my groinal area. is groinal even a word? I don't care whatever. upper, right hind groin. there. I've never even gotten aches from running, dancing, hiking, or regular yoga! it's kind of been around for a little over a week and it hurts to do stretches. I'm thinking I pulled a muscle but I'm no doctor so it doesn't really matter, does it?

regular yoga, on the other hand, just keeps getting better and better. I surprise myself with what I'm capable of. still struggling to quiet the mind, but I love it, everytime.