it's not you, it's me

i've been coming to a realization the past couple of weeks. this shouldn't be a surprise because i've been coming to a lot of realizations lately. actually, it's not even a realization. it's more like, a confrontation with something i completely put aside because i was in denial about it being THE root cause of what was making it so hard for me to be with someone, or pursue someone i was completely interested in. i also didn't want to give my ex that much credit. in any case, i joke a lot about being single, and the dilemmas and trials and tribulations of... i enjoy being single–the freedom, the 'not-having-to-be-obligated' to do some things, making decisions and plans only for myself and no other... everything that comes with not being in a relationship, basically. but while being single is great, and every article/quote/aphorism for single people out there advises them to welcome, embrace, and accept it, i still long to be with someone. yea, it sucks to be single most of the time. mostly because i've been doing it for a while now, and you can only tell yourself so many times, "who cares if i'm going to this event by myself?," or, "damn, i wish i could share this moment with someone oh well just be grateful that i'm even alive right now," or, pretending to enjoy your solitude so much you don't realize you're actually feeling really lonely... and alone. advice related to: don't ever go to dinner at a restaurant alone. breakfast, lunch, brunch is ok. but dinner, no!

back to this realization, confrontation, whatever you wanna call it... it's familiar to most, and might not even be that surprising. this thing that i speak of, this evil thing that keeps us from growing and becoming better people... this gross thing... is... FEAR!!! yikes. fear of getting hurt, fear of losing everything you gave to make something work, fear of feeling jealous, insecure, distrust, fear of having to go through the motions after a break-up... fear, fear, fear...

some background, perhaps? i was in a relationship with someone for almost six years. we were a month shy of reaching six, to be exact. looking back, a huge part of me wishes i could have cut it short to three or something, or whenever it felt so very wrong already. but when you're young and in love, it makes you stupid. anyway, the relationship ended badly, so bad i hyperventilated and didn't know what to do with myself except sit in my car and cry hysterically while also trying to come up with a plan for vengeance. haha. not really. it was the most painful thing i'd ever gone through that i think i would rather have a spinal tap than have to go through it again (i'll be eating these words if that ever happens, i know). after that relationship were a few failed attempts at dating, and short-lived relationships, and of course with that, were more heartaches. certainly, at this point i've learned a lot of things, except those "lot of things" didn't include really facing those fears. i thought i was good to go again after i felt like i'd "healed" or whatever. it's been almost six years since i've had a "real" relationship (why am i constantly running through the six with my woes?), but with this realization, i feel like i'm back to where square one beta version. actually, more like squareone.6. there are and will be lots of glitches, but man, i'mma try to make it to the real deal holyfield.

sidenote: if i could, though it's probably too late and everyone's moved on, i would say sorry and apologize to some of the guys that put a lot of effort and all i did was push them away. it's not you, it's me.

those days

those days that make you want to be elsewhere

those days you make a spur of the moment decision that could determine the path to your future...

those days when comfort is under a warm blanket.

those days when the sun hits your cheeks and the wind mazes through your hair...

those days when you think about someone, and wonder if they're thinking about you.

those days when you want to tell everyone to fuck off...

those days when solitude feels like home, and loneliness is painful...

 

because

“I have my mother’s mouth and my father’s eyes; on my face they are still together.”

“You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, someone not everyone knows how to love.”

“The ego hurts you like this: you become obsessed with the one person who does not love you. Blind to the rest who do.”

“My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.”

–Warsan Shire

murky wars

so far from the distant shore / the only time she never feels alone
on the land, her body distorts / in the water, lines are true to her mind
she knows she'll never touch the floor / she can float unharmed by murky wars
and the land is as plain as her skin / but the water shines like the star in her mind

they will never understand / how washed up you feel on land
the spotlight of the sun, it shines on

cuddle app

i never thought the day would come, but my mom wants to fix me up with someone, someone who is the brother of a friend, is also a graphic designer, and filipino, of all things. "why won't you date filipino guys?" she asks. "because they could be a distant cousin and i also don't want to date anyone that reminds me of any of my male relatives." i said. she acknowledged it and continued playing bejeweled blitz on her kindle.

these days and at this age, i don't know what's worse: being single, being in a relationship, or dating. i'm currently trying to bask in the former, endured the medial, and shunning the latter. 

i enjoy being single as much as i enjoy the "extraction" part of a facial. i mean, being single has its definite advantages. you don't have to take into consideration another person's feelings, schedule, friends, family, interests... you're not constrained to another person's way of life. you can do whatever you want, whenever the hell you want! then, there's the loneliness. the loneliness that creeps in too many times and usually unexpectedly and it makes me want to rip my heart out everytime! aaaaaaah! i wish i knew better how to embrace it, but gotdamn it eats me up inside. and then you reach a point where you try to appreciate singledom so much that going to the movies alone starts to feel more comfortable than going with someone else. or you joke about someone coming up with a cuddle app like it's going to rescue you from it. it's hard to be realistic when you know the ideal doesn't exist. i just want my soul mate to show up at my doorstep and we can be on our merry way, hiking up a mountain or biking together into the sunset. the only thing i can think of, though, is that my soul mate is probably making love to someone else right now. the laughter quickly turns into tears at the thought of that.

if being single is intolerable, then relationships are dreadful. being in one is hard, no? where do i start? or should i just end it here? oh, funny, 'cause that's the exact thought i have when i'm in one. relationships are a disappointing battle: always fought for, hardly won. i don't want to delve into my experiences, but i have had no regrets, except for that one time when i... no, i won't go there. it's great when things are good and it's horrible when things are bad. and when the break-up happens, well, i'll spare stating what we all already know. 

then there's dating. le sigh. LE SIGH. i mean, what the fuck? i either end up with guys who want more or guys who want less. where's the balance, man? i've given up on this. "but how would you find your soul mate if you're not out there dating?" one might ask. i never believed in the "knight in shining armor (disheveled, shy, softspoken dude) will rescue me from having fallen off my horse (bike) and sweep me off my feet (toe socks)" fairytale, but it's never sounded so good until now. i'm not a "dater." i've tried it. i have, at one point, dated two guys at once, and while it might not be a big deal to a lot of people, it was just not for me. as a friend said, i'm just "genetically monogamous." dating feels forced and unnatural. "where did you go to school?", "what did you major in?", "what are your hobbies?", "any siblings?"... i absolutely hate going through it. whether dating to be in a relationship or because you can't stand the loneliness or for reasons to fulfill the need to "release some energy," forget about it! i'd rather just skip it all. when you're dating to find "the one," it's like desperation setting in. you're already on that mind set of finding him and when the closest person comes along that's seemingly a soul mate, you settle. deep disappointment and regret comes out of that. then there's the loneliness. so many people make the mistake of letting their loneliness drive them into the arms of a person they know is not right for them. i know it because i've done it. as for that "release"? well, there are booty calls, one-night stands, friends with benefits... most of us have partaken in it, but i prefer to have some emotional connection for any of that "release" to be satisfyingly fulfilled than to have a hella fine guy with a shitty personality be there for those kinds of activities.

so, after having enough failed attempts at relationships and dating, i'm joining a convent. it's either that or becoming the crazy cat lady but i'm allergic to cats which means i'll only be crazy. sorry, i disappoint. for now, i daydream about my soul mate and i, staring lovingly into each others' eyes... running together into the sunset... talking nonsense and loving it, planning vacations, attending parties, making babies, saving up for sustainable housing, driving identical hybrid cars, wait, what?! ok, maybe not so much about the latter three... if not a soul mate, just a great, respectful lover— er, friend, i meant FRIEND, will do. i mean, he doesn't necessarily have to be "the one," but he definitely shouldn't break my heart either.

toad rrips

Actually, I meant road trips.

Most everyone likes to travel or would like to see the world at some point (before entering the fifth dimension)... This past January, I took a solo road trip to Big Sur and Monterey. Why I'd never taken solo road trips before is a wonder because I had so much fun. I'd gone camping in Big Sur a few years ago, but with my then-boyfriend, and I'd never been to Monterey, so I thought I'd hit the road with nothing but the music on my iphone and snacks from Trader Joe's, to live in a yurt for a couple of days and to reunite with a lovely friend.

When on a road trip, whether alone or accompanied, there's something about the solitude/nostalgia of it that makes the heart heavy. There's a kind of loneliness that you itch to get out of, but at the same time, find comfort in. Maybe because we see how vast the land is, that there's so much more than the 9-5, our "bubble," the general problems in life... It's kind of like standing on a mountain, looking out at the ocean and realizing how small we are in comparison. And if you look beyond that, like outer space, the universe, we're like quarks... specks... Then it makes you wonder, if I'm so small, would what I do in life matter? Could the horrible mistakes and decisions I've made... the suffering, really be so grave? What about my accomplishments, dreams, goals, happiness? What is it all for? And when we die, we die. There is no after-life, no reincarnation... We just die, become dust. So if that's the case, why would it matter if we did make the most out of life or if we just didn't do anything at all? What is the purpose and why? Does it make a difference to even think about it?   

In any case, I'm still here for whatever reason. My existential crisis gets the best of me sometimes. These are the things I ponder when I'm experiencing bouts of solitude. For now, I'll just live it up knowing nothing is permanent, or at least accept that I can sometimes feel alone in a world of billions of people, loving family, trustworthy friends and embrace it in some way, even if I don't find the answer(s).

Big Sur + Monterey: