i run around in circles, directionless, wanting to be somewhere but having nowhere to go, nowhere to be. i feel uncomfortable being in my own body and existing in my own mind no matter where i am, who i'm with, what i'm doing...
i feel restless, but tired. i can't sit still, but i want to sleep forever.
i need something greater than myself to feel alive again.
Actually, I meant road trips.
Most everyone likes to travel or would like to see the world at some point (before entering the fifth dimension)... This past January, I took a solo road trip to Big Sur and Monterey. Why I'd never taken solo road trips before is a wonder because I had so much fun. I'd gone camping in Big Sur a few years ago, but with my then-boyfriend, and I'd never been to Monterey, so I thought I'd hit the road with nothing but the music on my iphone and snacks from Trader Joe's, to live in a yurt for a couple of days and to reunite with a lovely friend.
When on a road trip, whether alone or accompanied, there's something about the solitude/nostalgia of it that makes the heart heavy. There's a kind of loneliness that you itch to get out of, but at the same time, find comfort in. Maybe because we see how vast the land is, that there's so much more than the 9-5, our "bubble," the general problems in life... It's kind of like standing on a mountain, looking out at the ocean and realizing how small we are in comparison. And if you look beyond that, like outer space, the universe, we're like quarks... specks... Then it makes you wonder, if I'm so small, would what I do in life matter? Could the horrible mistakes and decisions I've made... the suffering, really be so grave? What about my accomplishments, dreams, goals, happiness? What is it all for? And when we die, we die. There is no after-life, no reincarnation... We just die, become dust. So if that's the case, why would it matter if we did make the most out of life or if we just didn't do anything at all? What is the purpose and why? Does it make a difference to even think about it?
In any case, I'm still here for whatever reason. My existential crisis gets the best of me sometimes. These are the things I ponder when I'm experiencing bouts of solitude. For now, I'll just live it up knowing nothing is permanent, or at least accept that I can sometimes feel alone in a world of billions of people, loving family, trustworthy friends and embrace it in some way, even if I don't find the answer(s).
Big Sur + Monterey:
