longings

my belly aches and my heart breaks from missing san francisco so much. i've been thinking a lot about decisions i've made, and whether or not they were the "right" decisions. my thoughts are spinning round and round... but, it's not like everything was easy up there either. after having lived in berkeley, i had this vision of living in a studio cottage with gardens surrounding it. it was completely possible, but circumstances hindered those possibilities. i feel like i also didn't give it enough of a chance, and this is where i can't seem to let go. i left too soon. the 'what-ifs' have been creeping in faster than fire spreading on dry brush. regardless, a lot happened in the one year i lived up there. even the "struggles" were worth it. i don't regret any of the things that happened, and in fact, no matter how hard things got, looking back, it was one of the experiences i felt alive. i didn't and don't disclose much about the things that happened, but it was probably where the real growth started. in any case, i would rather have gone through the struggles and cried and pried my way through than not having gone through them at all.

so now i'm back in la. basically, i came back because i missed it, but mostly because i had to choose between struggling, or having it the easy way. the easy way truly doesn't buy happiness, but at the same time, there's a relief in knowing you're taken care of and in good hands, except now, it feels too comfortable, and i'm uncomfortable with that. what is the term for someone who thrives on challenges and struggles vs. safety and comfort?

like i said, round and round...

decadence

when the coffee so rich, and the chocolate so dark...

prove me wrong.

i have deduced that everything, all of it, life, is completely absurd. there is no point. you can only look up at the stars so many times and ask yourself what all of this is for, and why, but there is no answer. the solution, for me, is to stop asking and just live it.

on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam

“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” 

-Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot

juillet, ou as tu?!

where did july go?! seriously, like a blur, like being on the edge of tipsy and drunk, but still coherent enough to keep your shit together...

ah, so many things happened last month, but i tackled, and am still tackling. i always think that for every good thing that happens, something disappointing or difficult must come with it. balance, you know? a friend said that these things come in threes. i'm being patient with the more difficult hurdles, but i'm definitely grateful for all the great people that i've crossed paths with and the good things that have come my way. i'm surprised that i've not broke down and cried, or crawled to the top of a mountain and just. let. it. out. spiritual, emotional, mental cleansing coming soon, yet to be determined. when things settle. when things settle. just a deep breath and taking some time in between for clarity have helped ease these crazy moments. oh, and having the support of friends, new and old, near and far, have helped tons.

if these things in life never presented themselves, i don't think i'd realize how resilient i was, or even, we are. each time, bigger, better, stronger.

waiting...

a lot of people spend their whole lives waiting.

there's that saying about how living life to the fullest meant taking risks with the possibilities of regret than the inevitability of regret by not having ever taken risks at all... I'd like to live my life to the fullest but ever since I was a kid, I always said to myself, out of sheer motivation and defiance of fear, that if I hadn't broken a bone, it meant I haven't truly lived life yet.

confession: I have not broken a bone.