longings

my belly aches and my heart breaks from missing san francisco so much. i've been thinking a lot about decisions i've made, and whether or not they were the "right" decisions. my thoughts are spinning round and round... but, it's not like everything was easy up there either. after having lived in berkeley, i had this vision of living in a studio cottage with gardens surrounding it. it was completely possible, but circumstances hindered those possibilities. i feel like i also didn't give it enough of a chance, and this is where i can't seem to let go. i left too soon. the 'what-ifs' have been creeping in faster than fire spreading on dry brush. regardless, a lot happened in the one year i lived up there. even the "struggles" were worth it. i don't regret any of the things that happened, and in fact, no matter how hard things got, looking back, it was one of the experiences i felt alive. i didn't and don't disclose much about the things that happened, but it was probably where the real growth started. in any case, i would rather have gone through the struggles and cried and pried my way through than not having gone through them at all.

so now i'm back in la. basically, i came back because i missed it, but mostly because i had to choose between struggling, or having it the easy way. the easy way truly doesn't buy happiness, but at the same time, there's a relief in knowing you're taken care of and in good hands, except now, it feels too comfortable, and i'm uncomfortable with that. what is the term for someone who thrives on challenges and struggles vs. safety and comfort?

like i said, round and round...