longings

my belly aches and my heart breaks from missing san francisco so much. i've been thinking a lot about decisions i've made, and whether or not they were the "right" decisions. my thoughts are spinning round and round... but, it's not like everything was easy up there either. after having lived in berkeley, i had this vision of living in a studio cottage with gardens surrounding it. it was completely possible, but circumstances hindered those possibilities. i feel like i also didn't give it enough of a chance, and this is where i can't seem to let go. i left too soon. the 'what-ifs' have been creeping in faster than fire spreading on dry brush. regardless, a lot happened in the one year i lived up there. even the "struggles" were worth it. i don't regret any of the things that happened, and in fact, no matter how hard things got, looking back, it was one of the experiences i felt alive. i didn't and don't disclose much about the things that happened, but it was probably where the real growth started. in any case, i would rather have gone through the struggles and cried and pried my way through than not having gone through them at all.

so now i'm back in la. basically, i came back because i missed it, but mostly because i had to choose between struggling, or having it the easy way. the easy way truly doesn't buy happiness, but at the same time, there's a relief in knowing you're taken care of and in good hands, except now, it feels too comfortable, and i'm uncomfortable with that. what is the term for someone who thrives on challenges and struggles vs. safety and comfort?

like i said, round and round...

"full size render"

my friend jane asked me if i had made bread yet in my newly-moved-into kitchen. i told her i had only made chocolate chip banana bread, to which she replied, "Choco chip banana bread…yum…”Mae Bakes”…”Baking with Mae”…”Mae I Bake With You?”…”Making Bread the Mae Way”…"Mae Kneads to Make Bread”…"

if i was a baker and had my own tv show or even podcast, i would take "mae i bake with you?" and "mae kneads to make bread"... oh, but what about "mae kneads to break bread"?! ah, i love it all, and i love her.

and so here's my first ever chocolate chip banana bread made from scratch. it was pretty delicious for a first try, and for using whole wheat flour, brown sugar, and of course my butter of choice, kerrygold. and i'll confess, i didn't actually use chocolate chips. when i last visited sf, a friend gifted me with five bars (or was it six?) of my favorite ghirardelli chocolates, one of which was the dark chocolate cabernet. i mean, what else was i gonna do with this much chocolate? yes, i shared most of the bars and kept two of the cabernets, but that was still too much chocolate for me. and if there were people that were going to be my guinea pigs, it would be my family, because they give me tough love and will tell me if this thang was gross or not. it was not. IT WAS NOT!!!

next on the menu is bread! i will probably need help from my friend noelle because she has made plenty of bread and other so-fucking-delicious thangs to put in my belly. i'm pretty excited because this would be my first try at bread as well. i remember my mom kneading bread in the kitchen and there would be flour ALL OVER THE DINING TABLE. that's where she used to knead the dough, and honestly, i kinda wanna break my kitchen in that way!

while we're on the subject of food, here is what my staple is usually like (when i'm not french kissing chocolate or making love to a burrito or an in n' out burger or what have you). i rarely cook meat when i cook for myself, and  i usually will pick a vegetable dish when eating out. the staple usually includes brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus, beans, spinach, kale, quinoa, rice, avocado... is it just me or is there anyone else out there that can eat guacamole like it's pudding? just me? ohh...

roasted brussel sprouts with quinoa and sunflower seeds on the left, roasted cauliflower with quinoa and capers on the right. both are seasoned with salt, pepper, lemon.

roasted brussel sprouts with quinoa and sunflower seeds on the left, roasted cauliflower with quinoa and capers on the right. both are seasoned with salt, pepper, lemon...

what about you? what is your staple mostly made of? and what do you enjoy cooking/baking/making?

calm me down

i always get super excited when i think about visiting norcal again, particularly when there's a three-day weekend, or any longer than two-day weekends really... this past weekend was mlk's birthday and i so wanted to and had plans of visiting. alas, friends' schedules couldn't be aligned, so i stayed home and organized more things around my new apartment and did some more yoga. did i mention i now live in my very own studio? after so many years of sharing living space with other people, there's no other liberating feeling than to have your own space. i walk around naked if that gives you a clear definition of "liberating." i do for me and no one else. i'm enjoying this quite well...

(i'm trying to revive the gifted plants above due to being neglected from having moved twice in five months and taking care of some business. no excuses, i know. i have three more that i need to save and so many more i want to get to put around the studio.)

so, norcal. i know i often stress how much i miss it, so i try to visit as much as i can, only because there are friends that live there that i treasure greatly. and mostly because nature is so beautiful up there. i daydream often when i'm at work, sitting at my desk, staring at my computer screen, how nice it would be to be hiking up a mountain, even as cold as it could be, to just feel that kind of air hit your skin, enter your lungs, and become one with it. sounds dramatic i know, but i dream it all the time. it's a feeling. it's a feeling.

come february, i will be in you, norcal, for a sweet valentine visit! i can't wait to be one with you again.

wwwwhaat?

you know that thing that happens when you move, and you go through ALL of the things you've stored in your mom's house to determine what to throw away and what to keep and you come across things like these?

man, does this make me feel old! i have no recollection of any of these happening except for the middle photos. i attended a private catholic school in the philippines and every year, we had to perform dances for our families. the dance required us to wear traditional filipino clothing. i loved that dress and hat. i didn't love it though when i arrived late, which was apparently always the case because i remember arriving late for an exam and my teacher punished me by slapping my hands with wooden rulers. i remember crying and looking down at my hands wondering, "why are you doing this to me, sister nun?!?!" my classmates helped me change out of my clothes and into the dress and hat that day and i'm also storing acorns in my cheeks on that third photo just fyi.

on that first picture, i'm holding an empanada my mom made. because of the heat and humidity in the philippines, she would slather an excess of baby powder on all of us (i have two brothers). can you see the evidence of that on my right arm?

the last picture was my first graduation. my mom said that dress she's wearing was one of her favorites. i think this was about the same time she also decided to cut her hair really short. and perm it. PERM it. PERM. it.