infinitely impermanent

it's 7:13 pm on nov 11 and you know what i'm thinking about? you know what just hit me so hard that not even my belief in it this whole time could have prepared me for its weight? it's that nothing is permanent. you thought it was something grave, didn't ya?

in this case, it's the people, the friends, the lovers... the thoughts you shared, the feelings you expressed, the words exchanged, the memories you made... perhaps the kisses, the touching... in a mere second, it disappears. gone, like none of it really happened, like none of it really mattered.

is it sad that this is the thought that occurs in my head when i'm being introduced to people? or this is what i'm thinking about the new friends i've made? what's the point of telling each other about ourselves or sharing experiences or stories...? because at the end of the day, none of it will really matter. friends become distant. lovers come and go. people appear and disappear... it's almost like i expect it.

granted i'm not great at keeping in touch, i've known and understood this at a young age to be a part of life, that this is the way it's supposed to be. i can only wish, though, that there was someone, or something, to be there until our last seconds on earth together...

still, here

i swear, i'm trying to get back into my groove. been going through transitions that have made me neglectful of some things, like this blog. i have many photos to post of monterey and the surrounding area, and of trips i took when i first moved to the bay area. they are sitting in my hard drive itching to be exposed.

i've got some things to take care of between now and a couple of months from now, but i've also been thinking about all of the things i've been wanting to share. so, if i have no photos for now, i hope you won't mind words...

oh,

this email i got from The Universe yesterday. so apropos...
everything is where it's supposed to be, how it's supposed to be...

"Mae, the perfection of your every "issue" is beyond human comprehension. Don't be fooled. You've made no mistakes. The territory behind you and the challenges at hand were precisely crafted to deliver the wisdom and insights that'll make possible the most joyful time of your life, so far. 

You didn't come here to face hurdle after hurdle after hurdle. It's not as if by mastering your issues today, more issues will be added tomorrow. That only happens when you deny them today. Master your issues, today, and be free. 

Get through what you must get through, today. Understand what troubles you, today. Do what you can, today. And all the rest will be made easy. 

So little can yield so much. A new perspective, an admission, a surrender to truth - however painful - changes everything. 

You are so deserving of everything you now want... 
    The Universe "

how august tried to run me over and leave me for critters to munch on!

oh, but no! when life presents you with challenges that suck the life out of you, some people fight, some people run away. for me, it's neither fight nor flight. it's fight, then flight. when you've given your all for the things worth fighting for and realize at some point that it can't be won, then you must accept the circumstances. it's not surrendering, giving up, or waving a white flag. essentially, it's realizing that what you've got left in you is not worth giving anymore to what will never amount to anything. i definitely could have fought more, but it just wasn't worth it. self-preservation, you know? why waste energy on something that will only have negative outcomes? and on the bright side, i believe things happen for reasons. usually, negative situations result in positives. that's the only way to think about challenging situations if one really wants to move past them.

juillet, ou as tu?!

where did july go?! seriously, like a blur, like being on the edge of tipsy and drunk, but still coherent enough to keep your shit together...

ah, so many things happened last month, but i tackled, and am still tackling. i always think that for every good thing that happens, something disappointing or difficult must come with it. balance, you know? a friend said that these things come in threes. i'm being patient with the more difficult hurdles, but i'm definitely grateful for all the great people that i've crossed paths with and the good things that have come my way. i'm surprised that i've not broke down and cried, or crawled to the top of a mountain and just. let. it. out. spiritual, emotional, mental cleansing coming soon, yet to be determined. when things settle. when things settle. just a deep breath and taking some time in between for clarity have helped ease these crazy moments. oh, and having the support of friends, new and old, near and far, have helped tons.

if these things in life never presented themselves, i don't think i'd realize how resilient i was, or even, we are. each time, bigger, better, stronger.

berkeley love

trying to be still in the space between my thoughts...

i'd mentioned a few posts before about the traffic in san francisco, and what do you know? i was coming from the presidio and didn't get to leave until around 4 pm. i was being patient, i swear. i tweeted, instagrammed, texted with friends to keep myself busy sitting still in traffic that did not move for over an hour. even when i decided to find other routes to gtfo, two hours had already passed. i've deduced that rush hour traffic in san francisco is worse than rush hour traffic in los angeles. it's probably the worst traffic i've experienced within the u.s...

enough of that! let's talk about why i love berkeley / the east bay. i live near the berkeley marina and i love being this close to the water and nature. i love every minute i've spent out there, and i've gone out there a lot, usually at the end of the day to unwind. it's also kind of like my silverlake reservoir–where i'd go running in l.a.–but bigger and better! the cold, though, is something to get used to, especially when that wind is blowing and your ears start to ache. i just double up on the layers, put my hood up like an ewok and seal the jacket snug. when it's sunny, oh my. i take it aaaaaaall in. the feeling is superb.

dope

ally mobbs

turntablism for the hard of hearing
"harmonic motion (a harmonograph turntable drawing machine) Turntablism is the art of manipulating recorded sound using direct drive turntables. Inspired by the concept of a harmonograph (a drawing machine using pendulums to create geometric Lissajous curves) this installation utilizes two turntables working in unison to produce an evolving image. Although an analog process, the resulting drawings have a digital and mathematical quality to them and are also reminiscent of sound waves, in this case sine waves, viewed on an oscilloscope. The drawings can be further manipulated by manually adjusting the pitch controls of each turntable as they rotate."

 

jetske visser

"Jetske uses her work to reveal the things that lie beneath the surface. She turns subjects that are rarely discussed into something tangible, from an awareness in which mankind and nature are paramount."